Endless circles. That’s what life has become. Endless circles of the same, the same places, the same faces, the same trials, the same joys. It all becomes one. One giant circle.
Is this the time when the change happens? Is this the start of the crisis? Where you look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself anymore. Am I staring into the abyss? Is this the time when I decide to take a turn and become someone else? A different person to live a different life?
I will never be again.
Innocent and blind to the sadness and fear.
I did not hear the heartbreak.
I did not know.
Granted a window into hell.
Now I live amongst the broken.
To dance with my demons while on my knees.
I had to save my child.
She did not die.
But I did.
I woke the demons The ones hidden in the deep I woke the demons And now they will not sleep I woke the demons The ones I fought so hard to put to bed I woke the demons Now they live inside my head
I am the rock. I am the rock because I have to be. Because without something for everyone to break against we would all be lost in the sea together. I am the rock that lets them know that they will always have a place to crash because I have stood against the storm and said “You will never overtake me, I will always be. Bring on your gusts and your rain and your hail. I will withstand your storm because I have spilled my tears and I am no longer afraid.”
Don’t kid yourself and think things cannot get harder. They can always get harder…in ways you never imagined.
Life has forced me to grow through lessons made from pain and fear. And still yet the lessons keep coming. To face the hard things through a lens of growth and submission has been the hardest gift. Did you ever think that you would come to a place where your prior pain and emotional turmoil would be seen as a gift? Well I certainly didn’t. Without the lessons and scars of sadness, grief and pain I would never have been able to face the trials of today. Strength is made through hard things.
I am a contradiction.
That is how I live my life, both present and lost.
There is dancing and music when I close my eyes.
Is this what my soul seeks? To be free?
When you think of freedom you think of being alone. You dream of being alone, but that is not the real wish. You do not want solitude. You want your heart to be free from judgement. You want to not care what the world thinks or says about you. You want to be so fully yourself that no one else can alter your opinion of who you are or what you want. You are still searching for yourself. Maybe that is your compass, your guide, your beacon…you will finally feel free when you can dance and sing with your eyes open, looking into the faces of others, not thinking about them but only thinking of your unbridled joy. I hope you find yourself there one day. I hope that you find your unbridled joy.
Be Open to Change 